The Nightmare Before the Jellicle Ball
by Solitary Shadow
Summary: Too random to be summarized. Read at your own risk. Bill Bailey falls off the trapeze. A challenge from JestaAriadne's Random Pairings Generator.


**Disclaimer: **CATS the Musical is property of RUG and Andrew Lloyd Webber. 'The Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats' belongs to T. S. Eliot. However, with the creation of this fanfic, I can assure you that the latter would be rolling around in his grave. Weeping.

**Author's Note:** Okay, I lied. This is my last 2006 CATS fic. Other than that, this story's much too disturbing for words.

Read on if you dare.

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So it was another very fine day in the junkyard. The Jellicle Ball was rapidly approaching, so Tumble... no, Bill Bailey, wanted to practice on the trapeze again. After all, he didn't want to mess up and fall or anything, did he?

"Misto! I'm just going over to the trapeze. Take care of Pouncival while I'm away, please?"

"Sure." The tuxedo cat nodded. "Good luck."

"GOTCHA!!!" Their seemingly calm coversation was disrupted by a certain grey-brown cat jumping on top of Mistoffelees. The latter shrieked in an extremely girly way, and looked around frantically to see Pouncival himself.

"_Pounce_!" Mistoffelees gasped, unaware that he'd shortened the cat's name by a couple of syllables by accident. "Don't _do_ that to me!"

"But it's what I'm supposed to do! I'm supposed to 'Pounce' on people, right?" Pouncival grinned cheekily. The tuxedo cat and Tumble..._ Bill Bailey_, rolled their eyes and sighed.

"Even so, Pouncival... that's not polite." Misto sighed again. "Why did you pick on _me_ of all Jellicles, anyway?"

"Cause I love you." Pouncival grinned and nudged up VERY close to the freaked out magician cat. Leaving them to fight, make out or whatever-it-was they were going to do, Tumble- no, Bill Bailey! Anyway, he sneaked off to the trapeze by himself, with no one in sight.

He hooked himself onto the trapeze, grasping it, and inwardly cursed at the way his hands were pricked by the wooden handle.

'I'm so going to kill Etcetera for this.' He thought, and then he pushed forward.

For a minute or so, Bill Bailey swung on the trapeze, feeling completely happy and relaxed. But then-

"Oh dear Bast-" The tom screamed, and in his shock, let go of the trapeze.

THUD!!!!

The cause of his fall was this:

"Oh, Electra, I love you." Munkustrap purred, stroking the young queen's cheek. "You're so beautiful..."

"I love you too, Munkus." Electra simpered. "I love your manly voice... muscular body..." She didn't get very far, because that was the moment in which Bill Bailey had chosen to scream and fall down.

"What was that?" Munkustrap looked around.

"Oh, just ignore it." Electra giggled, pulling the silver tabby closer. "It'll just be Etcetera clinging on to Tugger's legs and bringing him down."

Then they kissed for a long while.

... Okay, now, back to Tumble- I mean, Bill Bailey.

"Ow, my back..." He groaned. He tried to pick himself up, but to no avail. His back was hurting too much. He tried to call for help, but he was quite literally in the middle of nowhere, and there were no other Jellicles in sight.

Bill Bailey was getting anxious; it was getting dark, and his back hurt more by the second. There was no one to help him. He spotted Bustopher Jones running by, but the old cat was more interested in Victor than him, and Bill Bailey was forced to cover his eyes as Bustopher and Victor started to walk away, intending to make out.

Hours seemed to pass by.

"Bill?" A soft, ever-so famillar voice called him. "What are you doing out here, my lad?"

"Skimbleshanks!" Bill Bailey gasped, suddenly deliriously happy. "I fell from the trapeze, and I can't move!"

"Fell from the trapeze?" The orange tom's face came into view, confused and inquisitive. "How did that happen?"

"Munkustrap and Electra were making out." The younger tom said simply.

There was silence for a while.

"... Yes, that's enough to make anyone fall off the trapeze." Skimbleshanks muttered, and knelt down. "Let me help you up, my lad." With a heave, he had Bill Bailey sitting up. "Looks like you have a catch in your back."

With that, Skimble pressed down on the tom's back, and instantly, the pain disappeared.

"Oh, Skimble!" Bill screamed in ecstasy. "Thank you! Thank you so much!" He shot up and clung tightly to the startled tabby, all the while laughing in happiness. "My saviour! How can I ever thank you?"

"Uh... Bill, my lad..." Skimble stuttered. "Can you... get your paw... off that area...?" For Bill's paw had come to a rest at Skimble's... behind, and it was making the older tabby feel extremely uncomfortable. Bill Bailey didn't seem to notice, and only clung tighter to Skimble.

"Skimble, I can't thank you enough!" The tom cried. "I'll love you forever for this!" With those words, Bill landed a huge smooch on Skimble's cheek.

That was all it needed for the Railway Cat to drop Bill, and start running for his life.

Skimble ran all the way to his hut, past Bustopher Jones and Victor who seemed to be rolling on the ground with each other, past Munkustrap and Electra who were tickling each other and giggling, and past his mate Jennyanydots and Bombalurina who were kissing each other sensuously.

"You daughter of a Pollicle!" Skimble shouted, throwing five traumatized mice at the Gumbie Cat's head. "You said it'll be you and me forever!" He ran off, not waiting for a reply.

He fell on his bed and buried his head on the pillows.

And then he allowed himself to scream.

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O.o

I had a go at JestaAriadne's Random Pairings Generator. I came out with Munkustrap/Electra (Boy x Girl), Bustopher Jones x Victor (Boy x Boy), Jennyanydots x Bombalurina (Girl x Girl), and finally, Bill Bailey x Skimbleshanks (Free-For-All).

I added in Pouncival x Mistoffelees as a fifth pairing.

I originally intended to do Bustopher and Victor, but then it stated that the real challenge would be a fic with all four of the pairings... so this weird piece of absolute, utter whimsy was created.

Bill Bailey was on the trapeze in the latest production of CATS I saw... so... that sparked the idea...

Not my best, but a sad stab at humour. Pity me? (SHOT)


End file.
